Brief Lives by Anita Brookner

Author:Anita Brookner [Brookner, Anita]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi

ELEVEN

UNCHARACTERISTICALLY, I CAME down with some sort of virus and had to tell Charlie, when he telephoned, not to come. He always telephoned at some point during the day, or, if he missed a day, or even two days, shortly afterwards, never leaving me for too long without some contact with him. I knew better than to telephone him. I had done so once, and having to speak to his secretary had filled me with shame and confusion. I had reflected then, as I had done on subsequent occasions, that what I was doing was too difficult for me. I think concealment is difficult for a woman, unnatural even. Most of the time I felt confident, lighthearted, but when I look back I realize that this too was unnatural. I was like someone on a euphoric drug, not giving a thought to eventual withdrawal symptoms. Those timid mornings, those empty afternoons were all part of my adventure: after a time I stopped noticing the loneliness and congratulated myself on having arranged matters so well. No interruptions, no unforeseen visitors, no telephone ringing at awkward moments, for I had managed to anticipate and to ward off unwelcome callers. Most people took notice of this and left me alone. Even Julia, it seemed, had become more passive, less peremptory. Now that she had annexed me into changing her books—and how could I deny her something to read?—her famous 'Now, look here!' was relatively rare. The always uneasy compromise with my own conscience was resolved, or partially resolved, time after time by my leaving the books with Maureen or Mrs Wheeler and pretending to be on my way to somewhere else. I thought this quite a successful ploy, and somehow persuaded myself that it was temporary: I was performing a service which I might revoke at any time. Julia, slowly trying on earrings in her bedroom, would hear my cheerful voice at the front door, but be too preoccupied to call me in. In any event she had never expressed much desire for my company. Attendance was enough.

With the slight illness that had brought me down my euphoria vanished and I realized just how isolated I had become. Dark silent days in the muggy warmth of my flat set my head aching: I was wretched and rather frightened. I even called the doctor, something I had never done before, and the action filled me with terror and relief. I was voluble when he came, thanking him and apologizing at the same time. 'It's probably only a cold,' I said, and in my head I could hear Julia saying, 'Fay is hapless. Don't you think Fay has become very hapless recently?'

'No, not a cold.' he smiled. 'One of those opportunistic viruses. Have you let yourself get run down?' He looked round the room, which had shadows in its corners, although it was only midday. 'Live alone, do you? What sort of things do you eat? Do you cook properly?'

I was shocked. I had always

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